We are not oppressed beings

I have read this some time ago, and somehow was immediately reminded of an e-mail I received at the time I was busy preparing for my wedding.

The sender was a Muslim Indian girl staying in the US. Her email voiced out her frustration about not having any say in her impending marriage – from her husband-to-be to the customes she should be wearing – all were determined by her parents. She told me that she was envious of me because I seemed to have all the final say – down to the minute details of my flower girls’ costumes. We are not oppressed beings but somehow there exists in our society people who somehow love the idea that we still are. Mind you - she was educated in the US, was working in the US, but when it comes to her marriage, nothing seems to be hers to decide. That's the way things work in her family. And she has to be content with that.

Not too long ago, a Muslim brother seemed to be somewhat torn between impressed and wary about me as I asked a lot of questions about our current resident before we moved in. I queried about wireless internet accessibility, evacuation point should there be any emergency (read: earthquake or typhoon), the nearest bicycle parking lot to the train station, apart from the normal queries about nearby shops where I could get cheap fresh food.

He was astonished when I queried about the bicycle parking lot – “You know how to ride a bicycle?”.
“Yes. (I’m a poor student using Mambusho scholarship to support three people, surely you don’t think I can afford buying and maintaining a car?) I ride a bike everywhere – to the train station, when I go shopping and all”.

He was further surprised when I stated rather firmly that I would like a tall truck which can fit our fridge so that I wouldn’t have to wait 6 hours to switch it on, which I would have to do should the fridge be laid horizontally in the truck. (As it turned out – they got a high truck for us, but some smartypant moved the fridge horizontally while they transferred it to the 5th floor – so we had no choice but to go through the 6 hours waiting period).

He turned to my husband and said, “Your wife knows everything. She can ride a bicycle, she knows about the evacuation site, she knows about unsecured wireless internet connection, she even knows about refrigerator.” While the words themselves sounded flattering, the way he said it undermined what could have been a compliment.

I have spoken to his wife – a homemaker who speaks little Nihongo and little English. We once were seated together at the back of their family car for almost 2 hours, barely saying anything to each other. I tried to strike a conversation, being the extrovert that I am, but she did not say much. The other time I met up with her, again I tried to chat her up, but to no avail. Her daughters are friendly though, so I spent more time talking to her 3 and 11 years old daughters. Maybe their mother was shy, but somehow I got the impression that she does not approve of the casual way I am dressed. She dons the purdah and black jubah, while I am normally seen in a pair of jeans, long colourful blouse with matching colourful tudung.

I am not sure whether after 18 years experience of living in Japan, she’s in the know about mundane stuff such as evacuation sites. Chances are high that she doesn’t know how to ride a bike nor drive a car, since her husband confessed that he has to ferry her everywhere. From the food she brought to a gathering I attended, she seems to be good in cooking, maybe gardening too, judging from the fresh coriander and mint leaves she distributed among those who gathered that night. Good cook, good gardener, probably good in needlework too, if her daughters dresses were any indication - the perfect picture of a domesticated housewife.

Still, just because I don’t do things the way she does, that doesn’t make me a bad Muslimah, right? Understandably I was rather offended by the snide I sensed in the remark made by her husband to mine – but then again, I guess it’s not just Muslim women, but also Muslim men who should be conditioned to accept their fellow Muslim sisters as liberated individuals.